Big Sigh Continued

So anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes, why am I depressed?

Well, I can tell you part of it.  Last year at Christmas time I had written these heartfelt letters to my mom, sister, aunt, and my 2 nieces.  In the letters I said I wanted to try to spend more time with them.  Maybe go out to dinner or see a movie every other week, or even just hang at their house, whatever.

So, everyone sounded like they were into doing this, and I tried with my sister.  Left her messages on FB, which is the easiest way to get in touch with anyone these days since I don't have a fancy cell phone, just a cheap Tracfone.  Anyway, in Jan of last year, I gave her my whole months schedule of my days off, but do you think she ever got back to me on a day we or two that month to get together??  Nope.....So right then and there I was discouraged.  I know I should have tried to reach out to my nieces too, but...Jamie was back and forth between here and New York at the time, and Lindsie....I don't really have an excuse why I didn't get in touch with her, I'm just as bad as my sister it seems.

As for my mom, she tried several times to get me to come up to her cabin in NY state.  Jerry and I did go up once, but then it always seemed that Leslie (my boss at work) had me scheduled to work on the days that mom was at the cabin, and off when she was home.  Now I know, I should have just went to her house and hung out with her, but here's the thing....I never know what to say to her.  I feel like I'm constantly having to find things to say or talk about.  And it's not just with my mom, it's with everyone in my family.  What I can't figure out is when it got this way?  When did I start feeling like a stranger in my own family??

Ok, so I know, from reading this it doesn't look like really valid reasons for me to be depressed, and also it looks like most is my own fault for not doing more to reach out to anyone, but honestly, why did it all have to be me?  I know it was my idea to get together, but why do I feel like I would be forcing it on them if I made more of an effort to get in touch?  Why couldn't they get in touch with me?  No one ever calls me...they all have cell phones with free minutes (well, cept mom, she has a tracfone like me) me, it costs money to call anyone, unless they live in the little town that I do.

I think this is just a bit of my problem.  I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything anymore.  I can't even seem to get my thoughts straight to write them down here as to the real root of what is going on with me.

I honestly do feel like a stranger to my family.  I went to Lindsie's house for the first time tonight so see her newborn baby (this is her 3rd)  I felt so awkward and out of place there, I could see that Lin was trying to make an effort to make me feel at home, but I just felt strange.  I didn't know what to say to her or Jamie, who was also there, but spent most of the time cooking the kids dinner.  It never used to be that way with them...especially them.  I loved hanging out with them and talking to them...but it was when they were still teenagers and had no kids since they were still kids themselves.  

It's been the same when I go to Shell's too anymore.  We hug, tell each other we love the other, etc, but...we don't really talk...we don't really have anything to say to each other.  Shell is going through a rough time with her hubby Danny right now.  They may be getting a divorce.  I used to be the one she relied on.  The one she wanted to talk to when things went bad....now she says little to nothing to me about what's going on, and tells me she will try to have me come over to her place when she gets things figured out with Danny.  Again, making me feel like a stranger.

I know I'm not making sense, my thoughts are all over the place and jumbled....in my head, everything makes sense to me, but out here it all just sounds like blah, blah, blahhhhhhh.  So I think I will shut up for the time being.